His Name Isn't Alice
by SunnyD545
Summary: AU. Do not let the blue dress fool you. The boy is not 'Alice'. He just wants to go home. Perhaps the cat can help the poor boy? You know, the cat with vaporizing powers and pure black eyes. He knows who the real 'Alice' is. It is the cat who knows how to get out of this place alive. (I do not own Naruto. This is a one-shot, but depending on response, I can add more.)


The cat smirks up on it's perch, eyes dancing in the night. "Hn. You really are a dobe. Are you sure that you're name is 'Alice?'" He is leaning casually on a branch in a high up tree, striped tail flicking behind him.

The blond stuck on the ground growls back at the feline, teeth and eyes both sharp. "Do I look like a bloody 'Alice' to you? Like I said before, my name is Uzumaki Naruto, teme."

"Well, you are wearing a dress. And a matching bow."

"Fuck you; there are shorts underneath."

The cat grins wider, a mocking purr nearly audible in his throat. "Is that so?" His voice holds slight amusement. A clawed finger taps his chin in fake contemplation. "Can you prove it?"

The blond bristles. "What? No, you perverted cat!"

Said cat shrugs in return, unaffected by the insult. He casts his eyes away from the other to glance at the surround forest. It is still night, and who knows how long before day. Or, perhaps it already is? The forest is so good at hiding these things. The little blond wouldn't stand a chance in such a place on his own. He clearly has no idea how Underland works.

"Well?" Huffs the blond, eyes still set on the stripped cat.

The other glances at him, but makes no other acknowledgement.

The boy growls. The stupid, teme cat. He just wants to know how to get home. Is that too much to ask? First that stupid rabbit in a mask, then that obnoxiously rude caterpillar, and now this teme. What the fuck is up with this place?

The boy spins, ready to attempt a way back, when the cat is suddenly in his face. Like, really in his face. Teme obviously never heard the phrase "personal space" before. The blond takes a step back.

"Do you seriously not know where you are?" The cat asks, but the look on his face says he already knows the answer.

"What do you think? That's why I asked you for directions," the blond huffs.

The other rolls his big black eyes. "No, I mean the name of this land."

"Uh, England?"

The cat resists hissing. "No dobe. This land is nowhere near such a place."

"Liar," the other counters. "I just fell down a rabbit hole to get here. No way this is not England." Although, the singing plants, crazy animals, and shrinking medicine is very… weird. But, the idea of the teme being right is enough to keep the boy from agreeing. He'd rather ignore the impossibility of a talking, humanoid cat than agree with the thing.

The cat rolls his eyes again. Of course that stupid rabbit would have something to do with this. Now it all makes sense. "Listen. This is Underland, and you obviously have no idea how things work around here."

"Wonderland?" The boy repeats. The cat looks ready to protest when the blond frowns. "I don't care what this bloody place is called, I just want to go home. Are you going to fucking help me or not?"

The cat snorts, pulling a fair distance away. His body is suspended in mid air as he takes a casual pose like he was resting back on the branch. He shoves both hands in the pocket of his pants and shrugs in nonchalance.

"Don't know," the cat murmurs. "Not really sure a dobe like you deserves my help." This makes the blond scowl. The feline then twists his body in the air, now laying on his stomach and head perched on folded hands. "I'm a pretty powerful being you know. There only a few of us in the land with evaporating skills." As if to prove his point, the cat vanishes before the boy.

The blond blinks once, mouth open. He's more surprised than impressed, mainly because the feline has already used that trick at least once. The boy isn't into one-trick ponies. Instead of going along with the show, the boy twist back to his original orientation. He starts marching away without hesitation. The cat is obviously no help to him at all. The teme just wants to mess with him and waste his time. He can find his way back on his own, no problem.

As the blond marches further away into the forest, the cat reappears right where he was before. The creature is frowning, his tail flicking behind him as his ears fold down. He doesn't like how the blond has so easily dismissed him. The hell is that dobe's problem; who wonders off into the woods of a place they don't even know? That moron doesn't have a clue as to what he's doing; he'll definitely get killed by something before he finds any real way back to that England place. A Bandersnatch could gobble the blond up in one bite— frilly, blue dress and all.

The feline growls under his breath. "This is the chosen hero? What the hell are you thinking, Kakashi? The fuck kind of 'Alice' did you find?" There's no response, of course. Damn white rabbit is probably off running fake errands for the damned Red King. In the mean time, he leaves all the real work to the cat, who wants nothing to do with this loud-mouth blond. Figures.

The cat evaporates again, his striped form seeming to turn to dust. He reassembles himself before the runaway blond. Said boy, however, easily steps around the other without missing a beat. He ignores the creature entirely and continues to march away.

The cat growls at this, the frustration setting in again. He debates leaving the boy to fend for himself. Honestly this is just too stupid. He's no babysitter.

It's then that the cat here's the scuffle of a boot hitting a root. The blond squawks out in indignation not long after.

The cat vaporizes in front of the other in no more than a second, and catches the boy in his now solid arms. The boy grunts while grabbing the creature's forearms in an attempt to regain balance. It takes a few seconds for the blond to right himself. When he is successfully back on his feet, he finally glances at the cat. Big, blue eyes meet sharp, black irises. The blond coughs, releases the other, and backs off just a bit.

"Thanks—"

"Sasuke."

The blond blinks. His face looks lost, lips slightly puckered in confusion as his eyebrows draw together. The cat sighs, realizing again what a dobe this 'Alice' is.

"It's my name: Sasuke the Cheshire Cat."

"Ah," the boy replies. A large grin spreads across his face. The cat finds that it may just rival his own. Yet, this look is far happier than anything the feline could ever produce. "Sasuke, right."

"Hn." The cat crosses his arms. He tilts back and returns to a floating position.

"Does this mean you're done being a teme and are finally going to help me get home?"

"Are you going to stop being a dobe?"

The blond growls. "Teme, I'm not a dobe."

"Hn." The cat twists away from the boy and floats down the path. The boy growls back, but follows the feline anyway.

"What is your deal?" The boy grumbles under his breath. He's stomping with unnecessary strength in each booted step. "Stop grunting all the time. You can talk, so just use normal words."

The other fails to reply, but his twitching ears say that he did indeed hear the complaints. Instead of acknowledging that though, the cat just coasts further and further into the trees. The sound of crunching leaves follows behind him, along with near-quiet grumblings of a lost boy. They continue on like that for a while, but maybe not a while at all. Time is irrelevant for some periods in Underland. The cat supposed it could be midmorning or midevening, although it also may not be mid-anything at all.

In any case, the blond speaks up again with his complaints. This time, however, he makes sure the cat can hear him. "Just where are we going?" The cat ignores him still. "Hey, Sasuke? Where are you taking me?"

The feline in question tilts his body around to face the other. He continues to float in the same direction, but this way he can glare the boy into silence. It doesn't work though, because the boy meets his gaze and demands the same question again. It seems the blond is immune to his glare. Fantastic.

"We're going to see the hatter." The cat growls out. He gives the boy one final glare to keep silent, before twisting himself back around.

The blond does not take the hint. "The hatter?"

The cat sighs, his eyes rolling upwards. Why is the 'Alice' so damn loud? It's not like it's necessary to talk all the time. "Yes. The Mad Hatter," the striped creature elaborates. "He's having tea with the March Hare. And the dormouse."

"Oh fantastic," the boy replies. The sarcasm in his voice runs thick. "Just what I bloody need: tea with a bunch of strangers. It's not like I don't get enough of that back home."

"Hn. Then you should feel pretty damn comfortable, shouldn't you dobe?"

The blond sneers at the cat, but the other isn't facing him so the gesture is wasted. Instead, he decides to stomp a bit louder. Yet, this doesn't seem to effect the other either. Stupid, floating teme. The blond finds that he really wants nothing else to do with this cat. If it wasn't for him being utterly lost, the blond would gladly leave.

A teacup comes suddenly comes flying out of nowhere, nearly hitting the boy in the face. Instead, however, the boy dodges enough to see it crash to pieces on the tree just behind him. He was lucky to have seen it at all, as the cat had vaporized away just as the cup had been heading towards them. Darn thing didn't even give a warning. Just another reason to not like this cat.

"You're late!" A voice shrieks at them. The boy turns towards a clearing he did not remember seeing before. Had it always been there? The area is devoid of trees and instead sat a large dinning table, filled with teacups and kettles and plates and treats. The boy feels his stomach grumble as he eyes the various scones and finger sandwiches. It feels like ages since he last ate.

Before the boy can even take one step towards the table, though, the same voice cries out. It is loud, near shrilly, and demands attention. "Just where have you been? You've gone and missed four tea times already." The boy looks at the speaker, finding it to be another humanoid creature. This one is a rabbit of some sort, with long, bent, blonde ears and hair. She's scowling, but not at him. Her attention seems to be on his cat companion, who has already rematerialized back by the boy's side.

"Oh do shut up, March Hare," The cat growls under his breath. He moves forward, floating into one of the empty seats. "I had to find a guest."

"It's Ino," the hare pouts. "I do not like that other name. It's so ugly. You know that. He knows that, doesn't he?" She leans across the table, eying a being curled up in the opposite chair. The other seems asleep, and the hare grabs the nearest object to her before throwing it at the accused. "Wake up, damn dormouse!"

The dormouse snaps awake as soon as the spoon bounces off his ears. His big brown eyes blink slowly. He scratches an ear with his hand before yawning. "Yes, yes," the dormouse drawls. "He does know that, Ino." And upon answering, the creature immediately falls back asleep.

The boy is still standing at the edge of the clearing, watching as the hare relaxes back into her seat. He's nervous, for the other is surely mad. She's drinking from a bottomless cup, after all.

"Oh, where are my manners?" Another voice chimes in. The boy glances at the far end of the table, where a man is sitting. He's rather bulky, and is wearing the craziest top hat the boy has ever seen, but he appears to be a hundred percent man. There are no added animal appendages on him, but his bowtie is rather obnoxious. The man waves at the boy. "Do come sit. Who are you? Do you want tea? I haven't the foggiest idea what time it is though. Perhaps just a sandwich instead," the man rambles with a scone in his hand. He takes a large bite of it, finishing the treat without much chewing at all. "Ino, do pass the scones. I haven't had any in months."

"You don't need anymore than this," the hare sneers, chucking one at the other's head. The later doesn't bother to try and catch it. "You haven't even had any tea, you stupid hatter."

"Yes, yes," the hatter agrees. His eyes suddenly bulge from his head. "Switch!" He cries.

Everyone stands: the hatter, the hare, the awoken dormouse, and even the ruffled cat. They all then rotate one chair to their right and sit. The dormouse falls back asleep as though he had never moved. The cat crosses his arms in a huff. The hare grabs her new, unbroken teacup and sips the air within.

"Ino, do hand me a scone, won't you?" The hatter asks again.

"Oh dear," the hare replies in a worried tone. "You must be starved by now, Choji. Here, do have as many as you want." She holds out a plate full of the deserts.

The boy moves slowly towards the table, making a subtle be-line for the cat. "Sasuke," he half whispers. "What is going on?"

"They're mad," the cat replies with a shrug. "This is how they always act."

"Just mad?" The boy takes a seat in the chair next to the cat's. His eyes dart back and forth between the hare and hatter as the two bicker, now about napkins. "This is bloody terrifying."

"Hn." The cat swishes his tail at the boy, gaining the other's attention with one swat. Upon making eye-contact, the cat grins the most menacing smirk he can. In doing so, his black eyes begin to glow near-red. "Best get used to it, dobe. We are all mad here."

The blond pauses, captured by the cat's darker appearance. He shakes himself out of the trance though, and frowns. "They're mad, you're a teme, and that white rabbit is an arsehole." He sighs, blue eyes rolling in their sockets, "This just gets more and more fantastic."

"White rabbit?" The hare breaks in. One of her ears bounces as she leans over the table. "Kakashi, you mean? How do you know him? He's quite the charmer. I do so like him and his courteous ways. Although he is rather rude. And is never on time for tea." She takes a sandwich and throws the item behind her like she were tossing trash away. "I rather hate his guts, you see."

"This is 'Alice,'" the cat cuts in. He swishes his tail some more. "Kakashi brought him here."

"Alice?" The hatter repeats. He shoves a few sandwiches into his mouth and nods with enthusiasm. "Yes, yes; of course you are 'Alice.' How obvious now that I see you in this light." He munches on a scone and takes a large slurp of tea. "Ah but, he's rather out of sorts, isn't he? What kind of 'Alice' doesn't even have any tea?" the hatter chuckles loudly to himself. "Why, he's not the 'Alice' at all."

"Indeed. Him as 'Alice?'" The hare sounds skeptical. "Hardly looks the part. Besides the dress. The bow is a nice touch as well. It suits you so. I don't think you look good as a blond though. Perhaps you should consider chopping it all off and trying again? You could try to grow some black hair instead. That may be rather lovely. Don't you think so, Shikamaru?"

She looks at the dormouse, who does actually awaken at the mention of his own name. "You look rather dumb to be 'Alice,'" yawns the dormouse. "I'm not sure you would be of much help."

"Well none of you are of any use to me either," the boy cries. "I just want to return home. What is all this nonsense about being 'Alice?' My name is Naruto."

"It is so nice to meet you, Naruto," the hare sings of key. "I am Ino, and that is Shikamaru, and this is Choji." She reaches out, grabbing the first teapot she can and proceeds to fill the cup nearest to Naruto. "Whatever are you doing here?"

"I don't know!" The boy feels like crying. He manages to hold back the tears though, letting only a sniffle escape. "I followed that stupid rabbit down this hole. Then I got stuck in this room, where I had to shrink just to fit through the door. But when I shrunk, my clothes didn't and I had to put on this stupid outfit instead."

"Yes," the hare agrees with a nod. She's still pouring tea, and the cup has overfilled long ago. "That dress is so ugly. It does not suit you at all. The bow is tacky too."

"Then I run into this rude caterpillar lady. At least, I think she's a lady? Anyway, she tells me how great she is for being small for what seems like forever, before finally telling me how to grow again," the boy continues on, ignoring the hare. "Oh course, this time, when I grow back to what may or may not be my normal height, my clothes naturally grow with me. Like that even makes sense in this messed up world." He's ranting now, and the tea is pouring off the table. The boy unconsciously scoots back to keep dry.

"And to top it off, I get lost in the woods, where I meet this teme. Yet, instead of helping me like a normal person would, he leads me to a bunch of freaks having tea in the woods." He feels like tearing his hair out. "This is so crazy and stupid. I've got to be dreaming. I just want to return home."

The cat next to the boy smacks the blonde with his tale. "I am not a person. I am Sasuke the Cheshire Cat, dobe. I do as I please."

"Oh yes, I have picked up on that. And stop calling me a dobe, teme."

"Hn."

"Return home," the dormouse echoes in a tired voice. He stretches a bit before leaning one arm on the table and resting his head upon it. "You can't go home until you've solve our problem. That's what it means to be 'Alice.'"

The boy resists growling at the brown-haired creature. "I'm not Alice though; I'm Naruto."

"You are," the dormouse replies. His eyes are drooping rather dangerously close to being closed shut. "You are Naruto the Alice. Just as I am Shikamaru the Dormouse. And he is Sasuke the Cheshire Cat, and Choji the Mad Hatter." The dormouse yawns. "And she is Ino the March Hare," he adds at the end, as though it is a mere afterthought.

"I do not like that name!" Screeches the hare, her form jumping from her seat. She proceeds to throw dishes at the dormouse, who dodges them quite well despite being half asleep. "I am Ino; do not call me anything else. Do not call me that."

"And I'm Naruto," the boy cuts in as well, although he resists throwing anything. "There is no addition like 'the Alice,' to my name."

"Yes," cries the hare. "We are only Ino and Naruto. Nothing more."

"No," the hatter says while shaking his head. "He is surely 'Alice.' Kakashi is never one to make mistakes. I don't know who the Naruto character is." He munches on a few scones before adding, "Although, he should definitely join us for the next tea. I don't suppose he likes scones, does he? I love them myself. Haven't had them in forever though."

"Yes," the hare agrees, calming instantly. "The boy is definitely 'Alice.' Kakashi cannot be wrong." She looks at the boy, nodding with vigor. "You are the 'Alice' that we've been waiting for. I'm so glad you could make it. How dare you be late for tea."

The cat gives a loud, angry growl, finally deciding he's had enough of this. "Enough of this nonsense and no more tea. He is 'Alice.' There is no one else. Listen you mad fools; I am looking for the white rabbit. Do you know where he is or not?"

The hare blinks at the cat before sputtering out nonsense. She grabs her teacup with shaky hands and sips the rim while dodging the other's red eyes. The hatter responds with a mere shrug, also taking a sip of tea but otherwise uninterested in the topic.

It is the dormouse, awakened by the cat's outburst, who replies. "He's at the castle, as always. I doubt he'll ever find time to escape again." The dormouse pushes himself into a sitting position and looks the cat in the eye. "Do not take 'Alice' there. The king will kill him on site once his identity is revealed."

"I know that," the cat bites back. "I am no fool, Shikamaru."

"Yet you easily fall into the role of caretaker upon Kakashi's unspoken request." The jibe would have been more mocking if the creature had more energy to expel. Yet, the dormouse already appeared to be falling back asleep.

"Hn. I just don't know what else to do with him." The cat folds back his ears in distaste. "The dobe will die in these woods alone."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here." The boy crosses his arms. As he falls back into his chair, he finds himself fighting off a pout.

"Do not give me hope," the cat mumbles in turn. The words are not missed by the boy, though, and he delivers a swift kick to the cat's shin. The being vaporizes before contact can be made. The boy growls at the now empty seat.

The cat reappears a few feet above the table. He growls a not-so-good goodbye to everyone before floating off to the forest edge.

The boy is about to yell in protest when the cat turns back to glare at him. "Hurry up, usuratonkachi. We're leaving this hellhole."

The blond stands eagerly, nodding in agreement. He's almost to the cat when the boy remembers something. He turns back to the table set and its occupants. "Goodbye," the blond waves. He's not sure if he did it to be polite or because he is finally, _finally_ able to leave that crazy nightmare. Not that the dream is over yet.

Just as the boy is turning back to the cat, another teacup flies by his head. It misses without him really having to dodge. Behind him, he hears the hare break into song. She's terribly off key as words about twinkling bats and tea trays spew from her mouth. The hatter seems to join in with robust. They sing and sing and the boy is grateful to escape.

The boy falls into step beside the floating cat. He watches his boots muddy further on the trail before glancing at his companion. "Now where are we going?"

"Just shut up and wait," the cat clips out. "You'll know when we get there."

"I hope it's not as mad as that was." The boy sighs, ignoring the threatening growl from the feline next to him.

The cat moves to be just slightly ahead of the other, deciding to mask his annoyance with apathy. The sooner he is away from this blond the better. However, seeing as the white rabbit is no longer an option; there is only one other place that would be able to keep the ''Alice" safe from the Red King. The only problem is that the ruler is just as terrifying as her brother. Their only chance is to make her like this boy upon first meeting him, or else she'll never agree to watch over the 'Alice'.

The cat glances back at the blond, eyeing his blue dress and white apron without much thought to the ensemble itself. The black bow on his head neither suits him or is unbecoming. The blond of his hair and the blue of his eyes are exotic and foreign to Underland. The chances of another liking him— of the White Queen liking him, are fair. As long as he doesn't open his mouth.

"Be quiet, dobe. I already told you: We're all mad here."

* * *

Haaaaa...

What have I done?

You see, I was looking through some old wallpapers and I found this picture of Naruto and Sasuke in Underland. It was very subtle, the picture, but the smirk on Sasuke's face inspired me just enough. I don't know where I found the thing. I wish I did, so I could show everyone.  
I'm not sure what to title this piece. I'm also not sure if I should continue it or keep it a one-shot. I mean, **I have an Idea** for what to do for the entire story, but I don't even know if people would be that interested in another "Alice in Wonderland" story. They've gotten cliché, haven't they?

If anyone has an opinion on either of these topics, I'll gladly hear you out.

Thank you for reading. Do give me any opinions you may have!

 _SunnyD545_


End file.
